Self Conscious (Shame, Security, Victory)

I am an insecure person. My life hasn’t fostered security or confidence, doubt and anxiety were deemed safer options. A heart that is self destructive and self protective simply has adapted to a hostile environment. Nothing could be trusted and nothing could build my confidence, I didn’t want to. There was no urge to adjust my self perception because historically I’d proven to myself that par for the course, this was how I was meant to be. Being accustomed to fear and self hate meant pain was always expected. I knew this wasn’t sustainable but sustainability wasn’t in my plan, until three years ago.

I’ve fought bitterly and blissfully to improve my life. Still, I am an insecure person and my journey until the turning point of my doubt has constructed countless pitfalls in my confidence despite the enduring determination of my love. Within me is a steadfast decree of strength that trust in another has gifted, trust that is doubtless in all senses, but faith in myself falls short of that conviction. 

Aspiring to be as bold and transcendent as the relationship I have with my partner, to defy and exceed the expectations of myself and the world around us, I must take risks that spit in the face of my insecurity. If I wish to be as proud of myself as I am of my love, I must emulate the choices that brought me here. 

Disappointment, shame, anxiety, the originations of these sentiments will be targeted. What choices have an outcome that could heal my soul and grow my confidence, but perceived failure could spawn those negative feelings? I must practice failure. Otherwise, I’ll never make it to the point of success.

 My partnership with the love of my life came from brave and unyielding choices, disregarding anxiety and trauma. We knew what we wanted and we took chances. Our love was meant to be and we came together with ease, but what we’ve accomplished together was far from easy. Despite unyielding pain and crisis, we came together as two mentally ill and abused people to build a more comfortable life together.

Now I look inward at building a safer internal world, tending to confidence like a fragile sprout. There’s potential, and being aware of it is all one needs to begin growing. I look to fragile pride for inspiration. What have I accomplished? What do I want to accomplish? What do I desire recognition for? Where can I find my weapons against doubt? There will be disappointment, and there will be shame, but feeling them does not require being overwhelmed by them. It is possible for me to overcome them.

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