There are many reasons I write, some objectively more honourable than others. For a moment I’m going to dissect why. There’s an insecure, fragile unstable child inside me and this is the true source of many of the factors.
One is that I never used to truly value my thoughts and opinions. I put so much effort into understanding them but I’d been shown so many times throughout my life that they didn’t matter, that I didn’t matter. Valuing the written word often has ties to colonialism, elitism, classism, but as an avid reader and unwilling but accomplice participant in colonialism it’s been coded in me that a written word has intrinsic value. By writing, in a way I prove to myself that my thoughts do have worth. This isn’t isn’t a healthy mentality and I’ve been working to take pride in myself and develop self respect. My thoughts and feelings have value whether they are written or not
Another reason is that somewhere inside me I still want to save the world. Many traumatized people both have this dream and have abandoned this dream in their pain. We want to save everyone but because we can’t, we assume we can’t save anyone. Sometimes I catch myself thinking ‘no one will read what I write, does it matter?’ and no, it doesn’t matter if few people see my writing, someone will. It’s an overdone sentiment, but it’s true that if even one person reads and connects to what I say, that’s something special to me. I want to have an impact, I want to help and teach because I’ve been so lost before and I found hope in seeing the fragile seeds of hope inside me reflected in the words of others. I want to help nurture the shattered pieces of future in other people. Even just my fiancé reading what I have to say is enough for me.
I want to be understood, there’s something special about the effort and organization in the intent of writing. It’s the same as oral storytelling, art, and performances. Time was taken to honour an intention.
These are only some of the reasons I write, I’m sure there are infinitely more, but thank you for taking the time to read these ones.