Xanthosis is Testing My Goals

Alchemy and its many forms have been a passion of mine since childhood. Some of you may know of psycho-spiritual or philosophical alchemy. These meditations and changes are a part of an entire lifestyle supporting growth and healing. I’ve spent the last half decade cycling through the phases of darkness and light, destruction and reconstruction, and now I slowly come near to the gates of xanthosis, known also as citrinitas. Of the birds of alchemy, this phase relates often to pelicans and I feel myself willing to sacrifice. Perhaps because I’ve been focusing on planning my future as a parent, I understand better the actions of the philosopher’s pelican pecking it’s chest so that it’s children may drink it’s blood.

Xanthosis is a time to test the strength of my resolve, affirm that I’m on a path that cannot fail no matter what crosses it. It may be years or decades before I’ve fully been accepted into the yellow-gold world. The days of meltdowns and sobbing my throat hoarse will continue and that’s ok, that’s my journey towards who I need to be. My emotions have been battered for twenty four years and now they are learning how to simply be.

I have skills in botany, chemistry, art, philosophy, activism, mysticism, and meditation. These will aid me going forward on my journey to be the person I know I can be. Every year the flashbacks lessen, every month the panic attacks become more manageable, every week I uncover a new mystery, and every day I learn something new. I can see clearly.

This is the road to xanthosis-citrinitas. Awareness and willingness to become aware— these are what have served me to grow as a person. Now that I see what is true, healing, and good, I can give all I have to it and let it prove its strength to me. I will give it my blood and watch it grow. Sacrifice is needed to obey the natural laws, you cannot get anything from nothing, something must be offered.

My offering to the cosmos is myself. I will do my best, always. Perfection isn’t needed, perfection comes from believing that goodness is real and natural. It comes from the cycles of growth and decay. I will let go and trust.

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