I began this blog later 2020 after struggling to speak or express myself through video. I was frustrated. My longtime agoraphobia was heightened by the pandemic but I had to time to be inspired, I had freedom to live and work within my own schedule, and I was busy with various projects. Unfortunately, I wasn’t even remotely happy with any of my finished work. After being drained of my creative energy from my convoluted university education in fine arts and film, I’d finally regained some passion but couldn’t seem to execute my ideas.
My confidence has always been an issue. I’m an anxious, self conscious person. Broadcasting my efforts doesn’t come naturally to me, I have a diverse set of skills but struggled to own them. Rarely do I feel proud. I have to constantly remind myself that I aspire to be a jack of a trades, master of none, rather than be a master of one.
Writing gives me a boost.
Essays have consistently given me pride. My adoration is long standing. I love reading them and I especially love writing them. Grammar isn’t my strong suit but I can admit a knack for connecting ideas and procuring research. My diary entries, my notes, my love letters, they all turn into essays. I’ve always struggled with moderation. Starved of pride, I feast when I can.
This isolated confidence has actually held me back, because I want my writing to be accessible and academia is based on inaccessibility.
It’s easier for me to get across a complex concept if I drone on for a thousand word, reaching as deep into my vocabulary’s ass as possible. That’s the nature of my relationship with writing. It’s harder to be succinct, to feel confident with accessible language, to not dress the idea up and try to prove I’m well-read and analytical.
This is what creates a pretentious person.
It’s born of feeling inadequate. I’ve learnt I need to take the time to be aware of my voice as I’m writing. Is my goal to impress an insufferable bigot with a major in philosophy or psychology? Absolutely not. Have I been trained to try? Absolutely. My teen years were spent in online debate (I was an SJW before the term was even invented) and I quickly learnt I had to copy my opponents in order make any headway at all. The only way to win was to use their own language against them, have as many academic sources, play the game their way.
My writing on this site isn’t meant for persuasion. It’s meant for exploration. I want to uncover values, learn contexts, and find nuance. I generally assume an open minded reader– and I call myself out in the writing when my anxiety takes hold with statements of justification (usually around topics of spirituality).
I still need practice making my writing more approachable in various ways.
Being who I am, I’ll always address taboo topics. Occultism, child abuse, addiction, autism, systematic and social oppression, pride in marginalized identity, there’s value in opening these conversations, normalizing talking about the lived experiences and facts around them. Over and over, I learn the lesson that it’s very much so worth it.
I’ve made more discoveries the last couple years than I have for most my life. There always something new. I can’t possible list all I’ve learnt since my first post on wordpress.
But last thing is that it’s ok to write on a wide variety of topics, so long as there are elements of consistency. I always aim for a trauma-informed, intersectional perspective. I always shit on capitalism and colonialism. These threads tie together a general goal of exploring ways of living life as healthy, happy, and uniquely as possible.
In a couple months I turn 26. My era of young adulthood is coming to an end. I just got married, I’m sitting on an large, ongoing collection of short stories, I may not be a particularly ‘productive’ individual but I’m learning more every day and I’m in a far better life position than when I was 20, or 16 or 10. I didn’t have goals at any of those ages. The catalyst for aspiration came from my relationship with my spouse but the ingredients had always been there, and once Casper stirred them up, my writing on this blog helped refine and extrapolate them.
Thank you for reading! I always smile when I see a familiar name ‘like’ a post and appreciate that people continue to read despite my sporadic posting and frequent, long, unannounced hiatus.